I wanted to put this in the PB&BH but I'm just too scared so I thought here would be best.

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Before people read this know that its about BF and FF. Anyone who attempts to start a debate or what not on the topic - I'll unhinge my jaw and eat you whole...or report you, depending if I'm hungry or not at the time. Its taken me a while to get up the courage to post this vent here at BB because I've seen what can happen to people who even have a thought about not BFing - and even now I'm too scared to post it in the PB&BHR for those reasons (which make me really sad btw but thats a whole other thing). So, just let me have my vent.

There's no need to comment, I just need to put it somewhere, and if I cant put it in the FF support forum then where can I put it!

With that said, I shall begin my vent:

I'm sick to death of being made to feel bad for simply being worried about the very real possibility that I may have to FF. I hope I can be the one to break the mould and successfully BF feed my girls, but I know that in my case I need to be realistic and consider both possibilities.

My great-grandmother, grandmother, mother, and 2/3 aunts on my maternal side, were unable to BF due to what we now know to be breast hypoplasia. They never even got a drop of colostrum or milk from their breasts.

Having read the literature and spoken to my GP, there is a chance that I may have this condition as well - I always have elevated testosterone readings in my blood tests as well as a history of pretty sketchy progesterone levels, and my breasts fit the physical description. Also, still no sign of much size increase or any colustrum and I'm 31weeks - in fact, my breasts aren't even tender anymore at all. Plus, there's that clear family link. The fact still remains we wont know until I put babies to breasts and see what happens.

What makes me angry, upset, and most of the time disappointed, is how so many healthcare 'professionals' including LC's from the ABA and the hospital make me feel like a criminal for even being concerned! They just lecture me: 'Breast is best' or 'Don't be silly you're a woman of course you'll be able to BF, you're worrying for nothing' or my personal favourite:

LC: 'There isn't a clear link that these things are genetic you know'
Me: 'Why is that? Clearly my family has a pattern.'
LC: 'Oh nobody's really looked much into it, its a pretty unexplored area of research'

*facepalm*

Whether the comments are meant to be a bit malicious, or they're just poor attempts at positive reinforcement I don't care, they still make me feel like crap and I can only put up with it for so long.

My GP is the only one who has even taken the time to sit down with me and hear me out and address my concerns - sure I was paying her to do it but at least she let me speak and gave me facts not opinions and let me do with it what I would - perhaps its because she's French and clearly a hippy who was around for Woodstock, I don't know.

On top of that, my mother, my aunt, and myself were all diagnosed with lactose intolerance in infancy after being fed by wet nurses, so even once I get over the initial 'Will I get milk, wont I' hurdle, I might have to face that problem then.

With our antenatal baby workshop on this Sunday, I just needed to vent on this somewhere because I know I'm probably going to cop it left right and centre from a million people, and I don't want that to be the proverbial straw and end up unleashing raging hellfire on a room full of unsuspecting and probably innocent soon-to-be parents and hospital staff.

I don't think I'm fishing for excuses not to BF - I'm over my initial weirdness about something sucking milk from my chest, it wasn't hard to get over, I'm a scientist after all - I just think I'm being realistic and I want to be prepared. I want to have enough bottles if I need them, and money is tight around here so I want to know these things sooner rather than later. If I don't need them, great I'll return them or sell them on eBay. I just don't want to get caught out.

Why should I have to feel guilty about that?

Why should I feel scared about even posting this vent on here for fear of retribution?

I'm just trying to be the best and most prepared new mother I can be, and if that makes me a pariah, or a criminal, then cast me out, charge, arraign, and sentence me, and lock me up or shoot me officer! I've had ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!

Oh and heaven help any pushy midwife or know-it-all-do-gooder who gets in my way from here on out - you poke the bear, then she will bite you and it will be your fault.

/end rant.


Thanks for reading (anyone who made it this far!) and if there are others out there who have breast hypoplasia (or other conditions that made this decision for you) I would love to hear from you with regards to your experience both in dealing with the condition itself, and the social repercussions - via PM I think would be best .